veritasx5

drunk, drunk, drunk...but I dont want to sleep, in case I throw up again...

fun. 21st...whew!!

Today. (Dec 23rd) Full moon, near winter solstice, solar system alignment, AND galactic alignment. THIS is a once millenium event...and we're alive for it.

To find the answer to a problem is to see the problem: the problem IS the answer! There isn't a problem if you understand it.

-Bruce Lee

So I was hit hard. Now, I'm a bit torn. Another scar, another day.
Im glad this happened, but I don't know what "this" is.

A broken chain is a heavy weight to carry.

Is there a hope for repairing that chain? Time will tell.

Too bad I've been here before: it's a past experience that ended with a different consequence.

Too bad you can't have another chance.

Tonight, I fully enjoyed a cigarette for the first time.

It was the most relaxing ending/beginning I have ever experienced.

Bang.

Apologies, that was a bit too cryptic. Kinda wrote that in a rush, as I was simply being cathartic as I rushed off to class.

In other words, I'm meeting Yulia at 5pm, for the last time. (Dan, I'll need to get in touch with you soon for explanations, as we need to catch up)
I'm taking her to the bus station, where she departs at 11pm.

God. It sucks. I don't know why, but she's the only person that I feel such a strong desire to show kindness and love to. It doesn't have much to do with liking her, or that she's given me lessons that have changed my views on life, or that she's an amazing individual...it has to do with...well, that she is.

GAH. I don't know why, but my personailty is different around her. Calmer...? More subdued. I'm usually...well...dark, moody, angry, loud, sarcastic, cocky, intense, introspective, emotionally void. But...around her...I'm calm, thoughtful, relaxed, (perhaps a little confused, as I have trouble understanding what she does...)unselfish and loving to a fault.

I watch in shock as I do things that I would NEVER do in any other context.
Holding hands? What the hell? Only preschoolers do that. Hugging for minutes at a time? God forbid. GOODNIGHT KISSES??? NO. That's drama shit.

But I still did it. I still do it. And I enjoyed every second of it.

I got to know her well. So, what can I say about her personality?
Hmm...let's see...
Oh YEAH. SHE'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ME. Parties, girliness, drinking, smoking, flirty, unhealthy, emotional, UNBALANCED (AH MY GOD! SO ANNOYING!) loud (Not so much an opposite, I'm loud, but when I want to be)...the list goes on. Dirty's a good word.

But...underneath this layer, she's of the exact same heart.

Hmm...she's intelligent. VERY intelligent. More so than most people. I believe the only person who wins out over her is my sister Shelby, in her ability to perceive a situation. She's full of life, and strong. Best of all, she's honest, and she expresses what she feels. I love the fact that we can argue about things, and yet, we have SO MUCH FUN, even when things are down. Honestly, the way we've grown has caught me off guard. Maybe, these traits are the things that can hold any relationship together.

but...

...at the same time...there's something else....
Something MUCH MORE VAST, much deeper, more sincere...something that goes beyond the context of simply "she's an individual", or "she's full of life." Something that makes and destroys all the outward shit that I agree and/or disagree with. Dan, what is it? Can you give me a clue?

I don't have a word to describe it. It's more than just a pseudo-spiritual/emotional bond. I CANT. Describe it.

I find it interesting, whenever I tried to do something that I wanted to do...no, no...not good word choice, more like, whenever I was selfish and expected things from her, I was miserable. But, whenever I acted out of love, for her sake, because she needed it, things were...better. Huh.

I honestly believe God has been teaching me about Love.
The thing I learned? LOVE IS FUCKING HARD WORK...but the outcome of Love is WORTHWHILE. It's percious. It changes people.
I watched as she started doing nice things here and there, hm, things she wouldn't normally do. T'was surprising.

Sadly, I honestly can't communicate how strong the impact has been. I'm sure that, aside from people who have experienced similarly to what I have, this whole situation looks like bad college drama. And, from a superficial level, I'm inclined to agree. I can imagine my parents and work friends reading this and saying, "Sigh...silly Stephen...this is just a passing moment, this girl is no good for you, find yourself a nice sweet girl who doesn't look like she's the wicked witch of the west. You're young and immature. Grow up."

Really now, why am I writing all this down for you guys to pick apart? These are my thoughts, my feelings, my life...not a fucking toy....
But, without me telling you these things, the ability to understand would be hindered.
Meh, I trust you guys. ^_^

Funny, the words "Grow up."
I really have. I have a foundation, a solid core in God. I have a family who cares for me. I have friends that I'm VERY HONORED to have met. I know a girl who's an incredible individual, who's heart bleeds just as strongly as mine.
Now, it seems that, at the VERY least, I want to be strong for others, as they have been strong for me. Thanks to you all. Love to you all.

Now, about the future...eh, fuck it. Not worth thinking about, except out of curiosity's sake. We'll see, we'll see. One lesson that's surely hit home by being with her: enjoy the dream that is life, to the FULLEST, every day. You never know when you'll wake up.

5pm couldn't come soon enough.
11pm can stay the FUCK away.

I can already tell, it's going to hurt very badly.
God help me.

Sometimes in life, we take so many things for granted. Life just becomes a simple routine, a daily habit, and a way of existing. Sadly, I find myself simply being.
Never moving, never growing, ever stale.

But...

There are those moments in life that generate the most profound and exciting. They're full of magic, full of life and full of the desire to dream.

...to dream.
...to have magic.

THESE are the items that make life full of meaning.

I just watched a film that brought me back to Magic. I...well...I'm wanting to cry at this moment, as this story has brought back old feelings and has started new thoughts. I'm terrified, sad, curious, and joyful at all the same time. I have the desire to create, the desire to hide...

...and the desire to love.

That was key, wasn't it? The fact that there are those who share similar hearts, that share similar souls, that see things in as strong of a hue as you do: they exist, and they're willing to love you in the same way as you.


Funny how a silly film can cause such emotion.

I got in a car accident.

BOOM.

Life sucks right now.

The new Linkin Park cd is dissapointing. They sound like a sellout group.
At least it came with an amazing art book.

Picture this:
I'm sitting at my computer wearing an old high school P.E. shirt and a pair of black gym shorts. I'm very tired, my hair's all over the place, and I'm covered in paint.
Now, here's the best part of this description:
I'm grinning a very contented smile.

It's quite exciting and exceptionally fulfilling to enact upon my certain passion.

Today, I painted a mural for my manager's home. His family loved it and I'm REALLY glad that I got the chance to do this. I can't WAIT for more opportunities like this one.
Now, I just gatta clean everything I touched...the keyboard's covered in crusted paint particles.
...
I'm surprised the keyboard hasn't jammed.

...but the show "Heroes" is absolutely BRILLIANT and a BLAST to watch.

...was focused.
I got a lot done.
The problem?
It wasn't anything I wanted to get done.
I want to do so much...but there are many things in life that hold me (us) back.
I've got work, car payments, credit card payments, student loan payments, insurance payments, schooling, paying off the money owned to my gracious parents, wishing for a social life but not having time for it, being forced into a society that promises so much but never delivers....so on and so on.
The problem is, I don't want this. I want to be able to have more time dedicated to arting.
...
But...it won't pay the bills right away.
I thought I should give up on it...but I HATE anything job related this life offers; these choices are worthless and unfulflling. Arting is my happiness.
I...I dunno...
I'm...I'm....so fed up with my limitations.
Where did things go wrong?
It seems like college has been one of the best/worst things I've experienced. In truth, it's worthless...but people won't hire you if you don't have that piece of paper.
*Pish...* I'm just going to become an insomniac for a while...and waste away...and die working.
Angst and help.

Piece of advice.
Everyone: Learn to walk and talk at the same time. You'll get more done.


...

Ok, that was stupid and arrogant, but I'm tired......so, I...have..an...excuse?


I see that,...when you find that thing you truly enjoy, life becomes much more focused. All other items revolve around that passion...these items are only preformed if they benefit the passion in some way.

Does that make sense?
...
I dunno...but I do know that I'm excited.

Hmm...what brought this about this time for me...? Hmm...
Well, I'm a line cook at Busch Gardens, and I've noticed, to my caringe, that I'm very slow and focused on one thing. In other words, when the food tickets start piling up, I have a VERY difficult time organizing and just doing. I get excessively confused, and then I stress, and I'm miserable the whole time. I need to really stretch myself in order to build my mental fortitude.
*Whew* it's hard!

And it doesn't help that my co-workers don't understand that I have a difficult time with such fast-paced, multitasking work.
Another thing that I have difficulty with is the personalities of my coworkers. With the exception of a few, it's difficult to relate and open up in a casual way. And, as a result, I come across as very intoverted and reserved...and mix in my difficulty with multitasking, and I come across as stupid and immature.

Several days, I get from different people, whenever I'm doing a good job, a "Aww! Snauman's growing up!" They mean it, btw. It's not meant to be condesending, but they mean every word. Although I'm young, I'm not a freshman in high school, DAMMIT. I'm twenty! I'm at that age were I should be out in the world DOING things! I should be exploring, meeting new things and people, and developing independence and confidence! (yeah, yeah, society forces us to take up this ideology, but, really! I want to grow up!)

I should, or at least, WANT to be at that point were I'm getting things together, I'm growing stronger, and becoming a more capable adult. To be honest, with the exception of my recent improvements in art, I don't feel like I've done ANYTHING worthwhile. I feel COMPLETELY trapped, and I have no one to show me a way to either escape, or better yet, take advantage of life.

But, reading Steve's last two LJ posts have helped in a lot of ways.
I'm experiencing a very similar situation for myself, and it's good to see that I'm not the only one going through these specific situations.
(hehheh! Thanks for your pain and torment so I can feed off it, Steve! HAHAHAHAH! ^_^)
So, it's good to see the specific points down in writing; it helps me focus since I'm very visually oriented.
I dunno, I need to work on life a little bit more.

Forgive my writing as it's been...
Ten hours later...and I'm very glad with the outcome.

At long last, I finally did an artwork I'm content with. It's been about a year since the last major piece...I think it was Nate's Stoic Knight picture.

Here's the Idea: I wanted to do a picture that incorperated graphic design elements. I'm planning to apply for the graphic design degree at USF next year, so I needed to start creating an appropriate portfolio. Also, I wanted to develop the world of Project Atlantis and create a visual atmosphere.
And...WAL-LA! We now have promotional material for our world!

Observe the details: The setting is dusk, the upper class disctrict is beginning to wake up, and Tarja has just committed a dastardly deed.
What it is, I don't know. We'll need to wait until we develop the story.
There's a symbol for the project in the bottom left corner.
In honor of Daniel and the club AWA, I named our group: Team Macabre Cell.
I like her skirt the best.

I would LOVE to read comments from the lot of you about the picture!

NOTE: For updates and past works and the full view of this image:

www.veritasx5.deviantart.com

Ever done something stupid?
Ever done something stupid and then realize that you could have easily avoided doing that stupid thing?
Ever hit yourself in the face with a mallet when you realized that you could have avoided doing that stupid thing?

Uh, I didn't hit myself with a mallet, but I came very close to doing so.

Life bit me in the ass today. It still stings, and I think there was a bit of poison in its fangs. It's going to leave a mark.

So, I now have three major mistakes that will haunt me for the rest of my life. They are:
1. Not signing up for the 75% tuition. I thought there wasn't a point because I was going to TFC.
2. Not living up to my potential, esp. in the area of college and high school grades and work.
3. Not taking care of my car both times I needed it most.

And, the third mistake made itself known when the car almost exploded last night.
And, I'm broke. Everyone's broke. I needed a car to get to work. Now, I have to put myself further into debt with a new car because I was stupid and didn't take my car in when I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE.
Why is it that, I can't seem to learn except when I get my ass handed to me? It's fucking annoying. Why am I so unwilling to work/think?

Now, I must realized my mistakes and continue on. What else can I do?
Please, dear people, learn from me: DON'T BE LAZY. DON'T put off what can be done now. Be smart. Realize that every one of your actions has a tremendous consequence to it. Work hard. DO NOT GIVE UP.
Alright. I've got work to do, so ttyl.

The ideals I wrote about a few hours ago must seem to be too idealistic.
And the points that you, Josiah and Chandra, wrote could become very valid points. I might try to argue that the points you wrote might be false because of our culture's influence, but I don't feel like making that arguement for various reasons. Instead, I'd lke to continue with two different thoughts; one thought is related to the past topic, the other indirectly.
So, in light of some thought, I think what was had during my time at TFC is what I'd like. The community that was established (primarily among my roommates) would be a much more realistic approach.
In a comical sense...I'm practically asking the world the live life like a college dorm. Heehee!
I would get into my various arguements for why I think this is a good idea, but I gotta go soon.

The other train of thought that I'd like in indulge into is the livability of Tampa.
Tampa has many negative qualities about it.
Negative Quality: Tampa is the porno capital of the US. It beats even Las Vegas for the number of strip clubs and porno shops per capita. (Depending upon your views, this could be a good thing...but lets not get into that.)
Neg. Qual: Tampa is in the top three cities for crime in the US. New York city has about as much crime as Tampa...but it's a much larger city than Tampa.
Edit*
Correction: Tampa's actually numba 52 for murder. Guess my teacher was wrong and Dad right. Funny, New York is 49. It's a lot lower than I expected it to be. To top it off, St. Petersburg, right next door to Tampa, is 31.
Neg. Qual: (This one's common for all cities, but it's a good point) As one neighborhood gets fixed up and made new again, the tenents are forced to move because the cost of living becomes too great. This point has some positive qualities, such as...crime in the neighborhood decreasing cuz all that live there are rich republicans.
Neg. Qual: Tampa is culturally dead.
Neg. Qual: Tampa is stale.
Neg Qual: There is no mass transit system in Tampa.
Neg Qual: Tampa is individualistic and isolationistic. I use Tampa as a comparison against New York City. Due to people being forced to live in such close proximity to each other, they're generally considered to be nicer people...brief and terse, but nice people. Supposedly, NYC is considered one of the most polite cities in the world.

This last idea ties back into my thoughts about communal living. In my dorm, we were forced to live close together. Sure, we hated each other at times...but we were always there for each other. Perhaps if we open ourselves up to each other, we might begin to develop healthier relationships out of shear necessity...just like New Yorkers are forced to.
The idea is to remove our individual boundaries...the same boundaries that are so easily put up by Tampians.

(Please note that there are a lot of neg. qual. for attempting this...some people will NEVER grow up and never get this concept. Sad, huh?)

We see all these things occuring on a global scale.
We see the small events that leave the people closest to us devastated.
There is so much that's wrong with just everything.
There's a lot wrong with me.

But, as usual, we do nothing about it.

We need to reunite...at least, do something.
My friends, why do we conform to the niches of society and accept the lives they command us to live?
I think it would be a much better thing if we could get rid of unnecessary goals and focus instead on what truly matters.

I'm beginning to sound like an activist.
But...
I need to do something, and it's so frustrating that I'm not capable of doing anything.
I'm held down by so much; it upsets me that I'm having such a hard time seeing past these things.
I must overcome.

Hmmm....
So, my dad introduced me to this thought...and a coworker expanded upon it:

Community.

Originally, our family systems (thousands of years ago to twenty five years ago) were such that our ancestors took care of each other. Family was everything and you did all for the good of the family...on a larger part, those actions were done for the tribe or town.
As they worked together, they worked less. They were able to feed the community and most everyone was generally 'content'.
(I use the term loosely, as I do realize that I downplayed human nature.)

With the advent of systems that encouraged individualistic growth and material wealth, large community systems fell. Soon after, the core family unit was attacked.
Picture this: the father and the first born son have an arguement. The son feels that he's being treated unfairly and that he's not allowed the fair share that society whispers he's entitled to. The son says, "Well screw you dad!" and he leaves to make his home elsewhere. Now, the reasources that the son was bringing in (perhaps by paying rent, doing misc. chores, w/e) is now lost to the new dwelling. The resources that once provided a fair bounty for everyone in the family/community is now spread thin.
Both the son and the father are now barely scrapping by; they barely have enough now to make ends meet.

Imagine the consequences when the next oldest son decides he wants his own freedom.

This VERY general event occured predominately during the last half of the twentieth century.
Here's my point. Hamanity, in general, is a social being. Because we are social beings, we should live together in a way that is beneficial to everyone in our groups. We should discard our culturally born Materialistic/Individualistic ideals and replace them with a Utilitarian Community mindset.

Here's what I don't want. I don't want a community that destroyes the individual. Then, they become pawns, and eventually, there will arise an individual who will take control as dictator. I would assume Soviet Russia would be an example of this negative outcome.
Instead, the individual should expand upon his or her individual and unique talents and utalize them in a way that is beneficial to the group. Also, the individual won't become bogged down by the demands of the group.

Meh. So much that could be done. So much that works and doesn't work.
I'll expand later. I have a class to attend.